A hulking, glistening roast shank marinated in cosmic bread crumbs and pigeon herbs; restores a heroic dose of health.

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Hero’s Roast Shank

Thick slab of oven-charred bread layered with spiced, balalaika-infused beef—favored by Breadlands heroes for stamina.

Vodka-Marinated Breadsteak

A hefty wedge of moss-spangled bread from the Pigeon Groves. Fungi-scribed crust shimmers with blue-green health.

Sunken Sourdough Slice

A golden, rugged chunk of factory-forged bread, flecked with spectral loaf sparkles—staple of Bread Belt survivors.

Crumbovska Loaf Nugget

Mini pizza topped with smoked rat sausage and wild Breadlands mushrooms—favored snack of conga-line champions.

Rat Innkeeper’s Pizza Wheel

A bright, glossy red apple inscribed with subtle glute-shaped rune—said to restore legendary courage in Shmilygrad.

Breadlands Red Apple

A large, meaty red mushroom that emits faint groans when picked—local legend says it saps heroes’ bravado.

Groaning Redcap Fungus

A luminous green mushroom, favored by cryptic pigeons for tainting enemies; touching it saps heroic health.

Pigeon Scribe’s Greencap

A wild, purple mushroom with hypnotic spiral patches; eating it is rumored to summon hallucinatory bread-bosses.

Cryptic Concord Toadstool

A mottled gray mushroom choked by flour dust—consuming it brings coughs and wobbly steps.

Dusty Bread Factory Fungus

Slick, greenish fish pulled from Bread Belt runoff—its haunted stare warns against eating, but some dare.

Factory Sludge Fish

A bubbling green vial brewed by rat innkeepers—smells of bread mold, and sours the spirit.

Rat’s Bitterbrew Vial

A tiny green vial left by cosmic snails at the toll gates; radiates faint otherworldly fumes that drain all resolve.

Cosmic Toll Snail Serum

Nestled at the heart of The Breadlands, this surreal woodland sways gently in breezes thick with gossip and pigeon coos. Grotesquely oversized trees loom over mossy cobblestone paths, their roots curling around abandoned bread crates and cracked telephone poles. Shadows flicker as bread-shaped leaves glimmer on the branches, and every clearing feels like a stage for legendary backside antics.

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Whispering Glute Woods

A spongy, mist-soaked forest where ancient benches and fungal shrines peek from swirling fog, watched by cryptic pigeons and marsh monks. Glowing mushrooms inscribe enigmatic texts onto tree trunks, while shady alcoves shelter bread-crumb altars and gossiping wildlife. The land here hums softly, and footsteps sink into mossy carpets as spectral rays filter through the heavy canopy.

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Moss-Scribe Grove

Deep within the Sunken Pigeon Groves sprawls this red-leaved, white-trunked forest of ancient fungal wisdom. Strange blue moss and oversized red foliage blanket the landscape, casting dramatic shadows on winding bench trails and sunken bread shrines. Whispered prophecies echo between glowing toadstools and labyrinthine roots, hinting at cosmic bread secrets.

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Cryptic Fungus Hollow

This bizarre desert forest near bread crust dunes is speckled with leafless trees, petrified pastries, and wind-blown sand mounds. Crumbling obelisks mark the edge of the woods, while rats sled past abandoned branches and bread fossils. The air vibrates with absurdity and racing legends, shaded by long, dramatic shadows.

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Crustwood Expanse

A spiral forest perched atop fog-shrouded plateaus, hemmed in by cosmic toll gates and led by somber loaf-shaped automatons. Mutated snails creep among dense, rounded blue-leaved trees, and cosmic pigeons sweep the mists for stray bread-currency. Stairs rise and fall through twisting cobblestone trails, with surreal lighting playing over the mysterious, satirical landscape.

A forest represented by a very large rounded, blue leaved tree with a brown trunk

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Snailmist Tollwood

This humble brown home is said to be where Shmily once practiced his legendary backside stance. A low roof droops over crooked windows stuffed with pigeon feathers and faded propaganda posters. The walls hum with echoes of epic gossip and failed bread revolutions.

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The Hero’s Hovel

Crammed with war souvenirs and philosophical clutter, this squat white house is the home of Shmily’s pigeon mentor. Its yard bristles with twisted satellite dishes and bread medals, while cosmic-stricken pigeons roost on every ledge.

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Pigeon Veteran’s Barracks

The legendary loaf-shaped tent where Shmily developed his evasive techniques, blending cosmic discipline with neighborhood absurdity. Rats and pigeons vie for crumbs at the curled entrance, trading stories and satirical bets.

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Shmily’s Training Tent

Once the pride of the breadworks district, this brown-roofed home leans perilously beside crumbling factory ruins. Infamous for its underground crumb vault and moss-lined windows, it’s haunted by tales of pigeon strikes and spectral loaves.

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Crumbovska Bread Baron’s Cottage

A battered white house at the edge of the ruined water tower, this is where Bread Belt’s most infamous pigeon union plans their feathered riots and launches bread-crumb protests into the night.

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Pigeon Strike Headquarters

Set at the heart of moss-laden woods, this pale blue-roofed cottage offers shelter to marsh monks and cryptic fungi scribes. Elders claim the house sways gently with the mist, and spirits slip in through the moss beds.

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Benchmogorsk Shrine Home

Deep below sunken benches, this shadowy cave is home to the cryptic Fungal Elder. Local legends speak of bread prophecy and the truth inscribed in glowing spores along its winding walls.

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Fungal Elder’s Cave

Home to the town’s cryptic moss-scribe, this uneven brown-roofed house appears to bend with the wind. Its shelves overflow with fungal texts and half-eaten bread offerings left for the pigeons.

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Crooked Scribe’s Cottage

Half buried by sand-crust dunes, this eccentric brown house shelters the town’s pastry fossil vendor. Its interior shimmers with remnants of absurd bread culture and old folk tales.

Obelisk Merchant’s Home

Home to Sillysk’s bread sled racing legend, this white house gleams beneath the shifting sands. Inside, trophies and experimental sleds hang from chunky beams, with crumbling racing posters slapped on every wall.

Bread Sled Champion’s Den

This narrow desert cave is the base of Sillysand’s notorious rat conga line. Echoes of laughter and bread sled races ring through its sandy tunnels, marked by graffiti and fossilized crumbs.

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Rats’ Conga Cave

Floating majestically over misty plateaus, this stone pyramid-styled landmark is ruled by Granny Pigeon herself. It features cosmic bread vaults and swirling staircases patrolled by loaf-shaped automatons and space pigeons.

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Granny Pigeon’s Cosmic Estate

This grand yellow-roofed castle stands guard over the misty plateau’s toll gates. Its halls echo with cosmic protocol and dramatic currency exchange, watched by loaf-shaped robots and spectral snails.

Automaton Tollkeeper’s Castle

Beyond this sign, half-baked ruins and haunted bread factories await. Steam rises from derelict ovens, where even pigeons fear to loaf.

To the Crumbling Bread Belt

A simple single post brown sign to indicate a new map or area

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Return to the patchwork courtyards and cosmic castles of Shmily’s homeland—where gossip bakes as hot as the bread.

Back to the Breadlands

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Step past the mossy markers into swaying wetlands and echoing pigeon choruses. Marshy mysteries and fungal secrets lie ahead.

Toward the Sunken Pigeon Groves

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Back to misty woods and bread-castle skies—the central hub of Shmily’s legendary journey and backside bravado.

Return to the Breadlands

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A gust away lies a desert of crusty dunes and bread-sledge rats. Beware the shifting sands and petrified pastries.

To the Sillysand Flats

A simple two post brown sign to indicate a new map or area

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Return from the absurdity of sand-flats to more familiar cobblestones, bread gossip, and shadowy glows.

A small, brown, two post, simple sign to indicate a new map or area

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Climb to misty plateaus patrolled by loaf automatons and toll-snails. Pigeon eyes watch from fog and fortune whirls in the clouds.

Toward the Cosmic Toll Grounds

A simple two post brown sign with a white area to indicate a new map or area

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Descend from fog-laced tollways into the heart of legend and the central crossroads of Shmily’s antics.

A weathered plank points toward overgrown wetlands—follow the thread of mist and pigeon whispers into tangled roots.

Down to the Sunken Groves

This sign marks the return path to haunted industrial ruins, where phantom loaves stray and winds of flour never cease.

Up to the Bread Belt

A sun-bleached marker points east over the sand and bread-dunes—follow tumbling crusts and scampering rats to adventures absurd.

Sillysand Route

Backtrack to the marshy groves where pigeons chorus and spongy ground softens each step.

Return to the Groves

Jagged cobbles lead west into the swirling mists and cosmic bureaucracy of the Toll Grounds. Bread-currency advised.

Back Alley toward Toll Grounds

Retrace your steps from the toll plateau to rusted ovens and the echoing hum of bread factories forgotten.

Back to the Bread Belt

A once-mighty breadworks town now crumbles beneath a buffet of post-Soviet decay and flying spectral loaves. Here, ruined factory spires lean against abandoned water towers, and every alley is haunted by gossiping pigeons and echoes of bread riots. Cold winds and faint laughter swirl through mossy train cars and broken bakery walls.

Crumbovska

Grey stone keep with crenalated walls and a central tower with a red roof

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An organic settlement swaddled in misty woods where benches tilt among sunken roots and pigeon songs drown out the occasional frog croak. Elders say the land itself is alive; cryptic fungi scribe messages into moss, and the townsfolk offer fresh crumbs at shrines to appease cosmic, ever-chatting pigeons.

Benchmogorsk

Small town of 3 white houses with blue roofs and trees

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A whimsical bread-desert outpost famous for its bread sled races and petrified pastry market. Sand crust dunes pile up against scattered obelisks, while conga lines of rats and dubious vendors transform the town square into a surreal fairground of absurdist folklore and satirical bargains.

Sillysk

Small town of 2 brown houses with red roofs and trees

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The legendary heart of the Breadlands, where cosmic bread castles float overhead and the streets hum with dramatic folklore. Every cobblestone and bakery ruin is a stage for Shmily’s mythic glutes, and shadows flicker with grand tales spinning out from gossiping pigeons and scheming rats. The glow of orbiting cathedrals frames this moody, surreal crossroads.

Shmilygrad

Walled city of 3 white houses with red roofs

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Perched on misty plateaus lined with cosmic toll gates, Tollbabka is ruled by loaf-shaped automatons and space pigeons. Here, bread-currency shimmers in the fog, and mutated snails slither among solemn toll keepers at the entrance to the cathedral orbits, giving the town an air of humor mixed with cosmic dread.

Tollbabka

White castle with 4 towers, a larger central tower crenelated walls and yellow roofs

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Shmily

A young male adventurer dressed in a black cloak with a hood and black leather

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Granny Pigeon

A middle aged male adventurer dressed in leather armor with a green cape and brown hair and beard

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Pigeon Veteran

A young male adventurer dressed in red armor with a gold necklace and blonde hair

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Scheming Rat Innkeeper

A middle-aged male adventurer with silver and brown armor, black hair and a mustache

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Cosmic Snail

A balding middle-aged man dressed in a black suit with dark sunglasses

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Bread Sled Champion

A young woman with short brown hair and red and brown clothes

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Obelisk Merchant

A young robed male adventurer dressed in green robes with a black hat and black hair

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Congaline Rat Champion

A goblin adventurer with green skin and pointy ears wearing a brown shirt

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Moss Scribe Monk

A young male adventurer with silver and green armor and light brown hair

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Cryptic Frog Licker

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Shmily: Bread & Buttocks

A surreal patchwork of crumbling post-Soviet courtyards, misty woods threaded with crooked telephone poles, and cosmic bread-loaf castles hovering in the far sky. The world pulses with absurd folklore—gossiping pigeons, scheming rats, and orbiting bread cathedrals—while dramatic lighting turns every cobblestone and bakery ruin into a stage for Shmily's legendary backside. Moody shadows mingle with warm glows, blurring the lines between earthly decay and cosmic parody.

The Breadlands of Shmily

To the north stretches an abandoned industrial bread zone, dotted with derelict ovens, rusted factory tracks, mossy train cars, and shattered water towers. Cold winds howl through empty corridors, and phantom loaves drift across broken bakeries haunted by the footsteps of spectral pigeons.

The Crumbling Bread Belt

South of Shmily’s land lies a wilder, overgrown expanse where ancient woods have collapsed into marshy hollows. Moss-draped trees lean at odd angles; the ground is spongy, riddled with cryptic scribe-fungi and sunken benches, and a chorus of chattering pigeons wanders among the mist.

The Sunken Pigeon Groves

To the east, the cracked ruins of bread silos give way to absurd, windy sand flats where drifting bread crust dunes meet stray stone statues and discarded obelisks. Rats ride bread sleds over the ever-changing terrain, and scattered vendors hawk petrified pastries beneath skeletal telephone poles.

The Sillysand Flats

Westward, battered cobblestones spiral up into eerie, foggy plateaus littered with cosmic toll gates manned by loaf-shaped automatons. Flashes of bread-currency shimmer in the mist, while mutated snails and solemn space pigeons monitor all who try to pass into the orbiting cathedral lands.

The Cosmic Toll Grounds

Set in a surreal, post-Soviet landscape where forests are threaded with crooked telephone poles and castles float like bread loaves above decaying towns, players step into the lopsided boots of Shmily—a perpetually unfazed wanderer whose notorious backside turns every encounter into an odd social dance. Roaming through pixel-art courtyards, orbital bakeries, and mist-shrouded woods, you must navigate the eccentric customs and cryptic conversations of three local NPCs: a philosophical pigeon veteran, a scheming rat innkeeper, and Granny Pigeon, the cosmos’ reigning bread baron. Amid debates about the nature of heroism and the price of a good loaf, Shmily’s glutes become a social currency—unlocking secrets, triggering events, and upending traditions. Choices shape how these NPCs perceive and react to you, subtly shifting allegiances and the contours of village gossip. Absurd humor and dramatic lighting cast every interaction in a deadpan light, inviting you to build relationships in a world where the only thing more legendary than the local bread is your own behind.

Shmily: Bread & Buttocks

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